Friday, February 18, 2011

When did feeling good turn into suicidal mania?

when I wake up in the early hours of the morning...yes I feel energized...but also anxious...worry worry worry...and the energy goes unproductive...and suicidal ideation hovers in the background as my anxiety mounts...how am I ever going to get anything done? 

Monday, January 24, 2011

Mom's visit....

at the very least I've discovered that I am still capable of becoming animated...and by animated I mean crazy...:-)..my mother came to the house unexpectedly...my husband happened to be home from work...my 16 yo son was also home with 2 friends...I ran to my room and locked the door...she came and stood outside the door talking...I put my fingers in my ears and struggled not to hear her voice...but when she did not leave I became enraged...because it occurred to me that the only reason she was here was to buy pot from my son...so I screamed that realization out into the kitchen where she sat with my husband...I think I must have embarassed her...she is capable of embarassment...she told my husband she was here out of "concern for Molly", my daughter...REALLY?   that infuriated me...and I yelled and screamed until I cleared the house of everyone but my husband...and now we're just pretending nothing happened...and I want to die...and it's not so much I want to die as I just don't want to be alive anymore...if that makes me crazy then yes I guess I am c razy...I've been crazy my whole life...

Monday, January 10, 2011

In an Upswing

I had a few days of feeling better but it feels like being in quicksand....the struggle it takes just to maintain...I had to take my son to the hospital for some tests and had such a bad reaction...thoughts of suicide resurfaced with amazing clarity...but it passed...and I am here...struggling...I want to feel better but I don't know how anymore...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

inching forward

how am I supposed to explain to someone who doesn't understand...how just leaving my bedroom is an effort...and I feel tense and uncomfortable anywhere else but the kitchen...sometimes I feel like my brain just short circuited and doesn't work like it once did...I"m broken...and what I may have experienced before...is not attainable any longer...just this uselessness that defines my existence...maddeningly flat...but wait a minute...I did feel somewhat better yesterday...and today somewhat better...at the very least I want to be normal...

Saturday, December 4, 2010

where now

I am tentative about feeling better...part of me has fallen into this abyss comfortably and I am distrustful of potential expectations should I return to my old self...my old self is gone...not sure who I am anymore...I never pictured what my life was going to be life after 40...