Mom's visit....

at the very least I've discovered that I am still capable of becoming animated...and by animated I mean crazy...:-)..my mother came to the house unexpectedly...my husband happened to be home from work...my 16 yo son was also home with 2 friends...I ran to my room and locked the door...she came and stood outside the door talking...I put my fingers in my ears and struggled not to hear her voice...but when she did not leave I became enraged...because it occurred to me that the only reason she was here was to buy pot from my son...so I screamed that realization out into the kitchen where she sat with my husband...I think I must have embarassed her...she is capable of embarassment...she told my husband she was here out of "concern for Molly", my daughter...REALLY?   that infuriated me...and I yelled and screamed until I cleared the house of everyone but my husband...and now we're just pretending nothing happened...and I want to die...and it's not so much I want to die as I just don't want to be alive anymore...if that makes me crazy then yes I guess I am c razy...I've been crazy my whole life...

In an Upswing

I had a few days of feeling better but it feels like being in quicksand....the struggle it takes just to maintain...I had to take my son to the hospital for some tests and had such a bad reaction...thoughts of suicide resurfaced with amazing clarity...but it passed...and I am here...struggling...I want to feel better but I don't know how anymore...